What Was

I walk slowly down the halls of my old Residential Unit. It is filled with adults now, and in the distance I can hear their conversation. Down what was once the Boys' Hall, I inhale the faint scent of women's perfume, and am mildly surprised to find I miss the stench of sweaty gym socks and body odor.

To my right is the nurse's desk, where once our supervisors sat and surveyed the unit, a radio on hand always in case of emergencies. Now, two staff sit and chat with the patients, handing out water, crackers, and juice.

Where I once taught my kids about life and hope, women watch television, their eyes glued to it, resentful when we shut it off for groups or discussion. I smiled faintly at the indelible swear words scratched into the wall by persistent children; even now, they have left their mark.

One of the doors that leads to the classrooms always sticks; I was there when a boy punched it, bending it slightly. I mention this to a coworker, and they look vaguely horrified; I simply smile sadly. I miss him. I miss all of them.

Our classrooms have been converted into counseling rooms and a small cafeteria; bare walls have replaced clumsy drawings and cheerful posters, tables and chairs lined where once desks scattered.

As a whole, the unit has not changed much. The murals are still on the walls, the view is still quite lovely, and the windows offer plentiful sunlight. But the soul of the place has changed. There is no longer a sense of wonder that children, even children as jaded as the ones I loved, bring to a place they call home. There is no piles of colored pictures, no picture books, no Disney movies. It is almost spartan, compared to what it was once.

True, this new unit is far smoother; we rarely, if ever, have to do physical managements, and I don't think we've ever used the seclusion rooms, but we also never sit and play Magic, or talk about parents and siblings. The women here are pleasant, kind even. The kids were unpredictable at times, uncertain, tremulous and wild.

I guess I miss the suspense.

I know I miss the wonder.

I hope they're happy.

I hope they're free.