Returns

The worst part about my job is not what you would expect, or what I expected when I started working there. It's not the biting, kicking, yelling, threats, aggression, or anything like that. It's not staring at a room of girls and boys so young and already wanting to give up on life. It's not tensing slightly when a patient who's in for attempting to kill their parents walks by you. It's seeing them come back.

Some patients, we know they'll be back; the only reason they left in the first place was because their insurance ran out or they learned how to lie. But others, well, we really never want to see them again. We want to believe that they are living a happy life somewhere out in the world.

At least four times in the past month alone, I have had favorite patients of mine, those who I really thought may make it, come back. Some are optimistic, saying they just need a little more help, and then they'll be okay. Those are the ones who usually commit themselves. Others stare up at you with sad, huge, lost eyes, wondering why they're here again, why they can't break their habits. They are the ones that suffered breakdowns, and simply snapped. It's tragic.

Unlike a lot of patients, these children are sweet, kind, and considerate. They know the rules and respect them; they remember the staff and are kind to us. They try hard in groups, talk to us when they're feeling suicidal or when they want to harm themselves, and generally do anything in their power to understand what went wrong.

These boys and girls, they want help. They want to get better, and they want to make a difference. Interestingly enough, they are the ones who tell me that someday they want to do my work. If they can win these battles, I tell them, they will make fantastic staff.

I keep a mental list of these girls. I pray for them whenever I'm reminded of that list. I keep the notes they write to me up on my walls, and pray for them whenever I see them. The way I figure, they can use all the support they can get.

And, after all, a little prayer never hurt a soul.