Hearts

"It must break your heart!"

I hear this a lot in reference to what I do. I find it offensive.

My heart has nothing to do with my job.

Their hearts, however, do.

How I feel does not change anything in these kids' lives, nor will it. No matter what emotional anguish this line of work may put me through, it is nothing compared to that of the children that I see every day when I clock in. I am not forced to experience horrific flashbacks every time I lay down to sleep, I do not have to stare at the numerous scars on my arms and wonder if they'll ever fade, I do not have to struggle with old addictions because the sight of a beautiful day reminds me of those same beautiful days once spent high enough to escape my troubles. The children and adolescents I work with are so exhausted from the sheer effort of surviving that many of them don't even realize that the dull throbbing in their chest is abnormal. There are children, 12 years old, who have learned from a very young age that the only way to get attention from anyone is to hurt themselves. There are others who have no understanding of love past the twisted lust of those who should be their authority figures.

My job does not break my heart. If anything, my job makes me realize how strong my heart is.

My job means that I have the rare chance to show those the world would consider unwanted that they matter. My job is to offer children hope. My job is to make them smile when society expects them to never stop crying. I love making them laugh. I love learning from them, letting them become my teachers instead of my charges. I love playing basketball with them, even though more often than not my team loses because, let's face it, I suck. But they don't care; they are so excited that a staff will shove their badge in their pocket and play a game that all they can do is offer shouts of encouragement.

My job means that I can introduce these children to a world of wonder and mystery. Sometimes, special times, I'll tell them an old, old tale, and to watch them become captivated is one of the most rewarding experiences I will ever have.

It's not always easy; in truth, it never is. It is the hardest job I have ever had, or likely ever will have. But it is beyond rewarding.

My job does not break my heart. My job makes having a heart the best possession in the world.